Afterward, on the twisty mountain drive back home, he started to cry something I had said, an exclamation over an enchanting patch of moss, had reminded him of my mom, who can no longer walk in nature - or for any significant distance at all. Then, last week, I went for a hike with my dad through a forest of lichen-covered oak trees. I write about sex virtually every day and my parents read most of what I write - about everything from orgasmic meditation demonstrations to the rising popularity of anal play among straight men - but the prospect of asking my mom about her "first time" made me blanch. So I knew I had to have "the talk" - but it was easier said than done.
Now it will forever be a mystery to him, one that is deeply tied to concerns he has about his own sexual experiences, and it haunts him. I also know someone whose father passed away before he could ask him some burning sexual questions, namely why his dad's marriage to his mom was largely sexless. I had lots of questions, and her terminal cancer diagnosis a year ago drove home the fact that I might never have them answered. My hippie parents were always open to talking about the mind-bending wonders of meaningful, loving sex - and how it's the "glue" (ew) of marriage - but I knew little of my mom's sexual and romantic past. Sex gets at the core of a person and it felt to me like an essential part of knowing my mom more fully - as a person, not just a parent. These are the revealing, powerful details that are excluded from parental folklore.
We all joke about the difficulty of the "birds and the bees" conversation, but what's talked about less often is the reverse: adults sitting their parents down and having "the talk." I don't mean showing them how to use a condom (although recent reports suggest seniors could actually use a refresher course on safe sex) I mean asking them about their first sexual memory, losing their virginity, having "the talk" with their parents and so on and so forth. This isn't a teenage memory this happened just last week, and I was the one quizzing her about youthful dalliances. I finally had "the sex talk" with my mom on the final day of our family vacation.